


Sword Play

by Grey_wonderer



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2012-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-30 15:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grey_wonderer/pseuds/Grey_wonderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just really want what other people have.  For Dom, this is one of those times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sword Play

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for the FFFC community on Live Journal for the prompt, Jealousy.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and I do not know any of these people. This is not meant to offend and none of this ever happened. I know nothing. 
> 
> Still, thank you for reading if you do. - GW

Dominic frowned as he held his hobbit sword aloft and stared at it. “I think the hobbits should have massive, great swords,” he said. He put the sword down on the table in the practice room and sighed. “How is Merry supposed to kill anything with that?”

“Merry doesn’t kill anything,” Billy said. “He mostly runs about waving’ the sword in the air and screamin’ for help, so he doesn’t need a big sword.”

“Read the feckin’ book,” Dom scowled. “Merry helps kill the Witch King and he slays a great lot of Orcs and then when they get to the last part in the Shire, he kills a shite-load of ruffians. He needs a bigger sword.”

“Pete isn’t doing the scouring of the Shire, Dom,” Sean said coming over and leaning against the table. “Remember? He’s leaving that part out because he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t think it will work well on film.”

“Even leaving out that bit, which, by the way, is a big mistake, but, even leaving that out, Merry still needs a bigger sword. He still has plenty of killing to do and that sword doesn’t look fierce enough. Merry is a very fierce hobbit.”

“Not as fierce as Sam,” Sean smiled. “Sam does battle with a giant spider. Now, that’s fierce.”

“And he does his spider-battling with, Sting, Frodo’s sword, which is far more impressive than any of the other hobbit swords,” Dom pointed out. “If Sam were forced to fight off Shelob with Merry’s useless little blade, then Sam would have been spider food.”

“Sam could have done battle against Shelob with any sword at all,” Sean objected. “At that point in the story, Sam is fighting for the survival of all Middle earth. He’s pumped and he’s ready to take on all comers. Nothing can stop him.”

Dom snorted in disgust. “If Tolkien were standing right here, he’d tell you that it was Sting that made the difference and he’d let everyone know that Merry needs a bigger sword.”

At that moment, Viggo walked into the practice room, his sword at his side as always. “Now, that’s a proper sword,” Dom said pointing toward Viggo who was talking with Sean Bean and Elijah.

“Name Merry’s sword,” Billy suggested.

“What?”

“Yeh give it an important soundin’ name like, Glamdring or Excalibur or something and it makes the sword sound important,” Billy smiled patting Dom on the shoulder. “I’m calling mine Haggis Cleaver.” Billy held out his sword and smiled. “Impressive, idnit?”

“Haggis Cleaver?” Sean frowned.

“Have ye ever tried to slice haggis?” Billy asked. “It’s not easy. Behold, Haggis Cleaver! Finest and deadliest sword in the Shire!’ He held it up and struck a pose as if he were having his portrait painted.

Sean laughed. “I don’t think that works. I don’t think you should call a sword Haggis Cleaver. Orc Cleaver might work, but not Haggis Cleaver.”

“S’my sword. I’m callin’ it Haggis Cleaver,” Billy said looking slightly insulted.

“It doesn’t matter what you call it,” Dom sighed. “It’s still a tiny, worthless, hobbit sword.”

“Are ye mockin’ my sword?” Billy asked, waving it about rather too close to Dom’s face.

“I’m mocking your sword *and* mine!” Dom said picking his up from the table and blocking Billy’s sword as it cut through the air just inches from Dom’s ear.

There was a clanging sound as the two swords met and most of the people in the practice room turned to look.

“Uh, guys, I don’t think you should be waving those swords around like that. Someone might get hurt,” Sean said. “We’re supposed to practice with them, but we’re supposed to be careful. Someone is supposed to supervise the sword work.”

Billy slid his blade from Dom’s and doing a fencing crab-step moved back slightly. “Come on, Monaghan. Ye’ve insulted Haggis Cleaver now ye must die.”

“Someone is going to wind up in the hospital,” Sean said sternly.

Dom stood and pointed his sword in Billy’s direction and then spat on the floor just missing the toe of Sean’s shoe. “Haggis Cleaver is as worthless as *this* piece of shite blade but you’d bloody well better defend yourself, because I’m about to run you through.”

Dom moved forward and their two swords met again. With the sound of steel on steel they began to fence back and forth while Sean called out reasons why they shouldn’t do so.

“Fight!” Elijah grinned coming up beside Sean. “This is brilliant. Who’s winning?”

“No one,” Sean said. “Just keep back. They don’t know what they’re doing.”

“I do but he doesna hae a feckin’ clue,” Billy shouted as he backed Dom up a few steps.

“I know more about this sport than you might think I do, you bloody git!” Dom retorted as he moved rather awkwardly to block one of Billy’s lunges.

“Aye? Well, come ahead then,” Billy shouted.

“Guys, seriously! Someone is going to lose an eye or something,” Sean warned.

“Watch your left, Dom,” Elijah called out. “You’re leaving it unguarded. Keep your arm level! Watch your feet too. Stay loose!”

In an rather showy move, Billy changed hands with his sword and then rounded on Dom again. “This is not the first time I’ve done this, ye know.”

“Quit braggin’ and prepare to be boarded!” Dom shouted rushing forward. Billy dodged out of the way, barely avoiding the point of Dom’s sword.

Sean made a thin, moaning noise and shut his eyes. “Someone is going to get killed. Neither of you know what you’re doing,” he warned.

“Great move, Dom, but keep your arm extended,” Elijah called out.

“So, I’m fightin’ both o’ ye, now?” Billy asked, glancing at Elijah, as he and Dom crossed swords again.

“He’s my second,” Dom declared. “If *pant* I’m killed in battle *pant* Elijah has to finish the match.”

“No, he doesn’t!” Sean objected. “This whole thing is madness!”

“I could take him,” Elijah said. “I’ve been practicing. Bob says I have natural talent. Bob told me that I was one of the best beginners he‘d ever worked with on a film.”

Suddenly, just as the two combatants swords met again with a resounding clang, a third sword sliced downward making a loud whishing sound as it cut through the air and knocked the swords to the floor. Both Billy and Dom were left rubbing their wrists and staring at their fallen swords. 

Viggo leaned over, picked up the two fallen blades with one hand and then gave them to Sean Bean who was standing just behind him. “Hold those,” he said.

“Anything for the King,” Sean Bean smiled.

“What about all that Gondor-has-no-king-Gondor-needs-no-king business?” Dom asked.

“I have no idea what you mean,” Bean smiled. “I am a loyal subject.”

“That was fucking awesome, man,” Elijah whistled smiling at Viggo.

“Well, I am the King you know,” Viggo said, winking at Elijah. He then turned his attention to Billy and Dom. “What are you two doing, exactly?”

“He insulted my sword,” Billy proclaimed. “I was defendin’ its honour.”

“He named the sword, Haggis Cleaver. It has no honour,” Dom said. “Besides, I was winning. Why did you have to break it up when I was winning?”

Viggo patted Dom on the shoulder. “You weren’t winning. You weren’t even holding your own. Another few minutes and you’d have been a pile of skin and bones bleeding to death on the floor. I saved your life. Be grateful.”

Billy smiled. “Lucky thing, he turned up when he did or I’d have had to slay ye, Dom. Then, I’d have had to slay your second, Elijah.”

“I would have been fine,” Elijah objected. “Bob says that I’m naturally talented. I have a gift for sword fighting.”

“Actually, what Bob says is that you’re a quick study but that you tend to lose your focus,” Viggo corrected. “And you, Dom, sword fight like you’re hacking through high brush with a machete.” He looked over at Billy then. “And Billy is far too cocky and tries to show off.”

“He says that?” Billy asked looking insulted.

“He does,” Viggo nodded.

“What does he say about me?” Sean asked curiously. 

“He never mentions you,” Viggo shrugged.

“Not even once?” Sean frowned.

“No, sorry. Not even once,” Viggo said.

“And what, exactly, does he say about you?” Dom asked looking annoyed.

“Oh, well, that would be bragging and Kings do not brag. It upsets their subjects if they do. It isn't kingly behavior,” Viggo smiled.

“Seriously, he never mentioned me?” Sean asked, as Viggo turned to walk away with Sean Bean following him, still holding Dom and Billy's swords.

“Why do you care? He insulted the rest of us. You got off easy,” Elijah pointed out. “At least he doesn’t think you lose focus. I don’t know where he gets that. I have focus. I’m very focused!”

“I wonder what I’m doing wrong,” Sean sighed.

“Maybe you aren’t doing anything wrong,” Dom said. “Maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything about you. Maybe you don’t need any improvement at all. Maybe you’re a feckin’ bloody gift to swordsmanship!” Dom looked at Billy. “I don’t hack. Do I hack?”

Billy said. “The hackin’ is your best thing, Dom.”

“He’d have never got away with that if we’d had proper swords,” Dom said. “He wouldn’t have just waltzed in here and taken our weapons from us if we’d had proper swords.”

“You’re jealous,” Billy said. “Ye’ve got sword envy.”

“The hobbits should have hulkin’ great swords with pearl handles encrusted with rubies and diamonds. That’s only fair,” Dom said folding his arms over his chest.

Billy laughed. “Yer full ‘a shite.”

“It might be good if my sword were slightly longer,” Elijah said.

“So, you’re jealous too?” Billy asked.

“Well, Frodo is the Ring bearer, and so he really should have a larger sword than the other hobbits at the very least.”

“He does!” Dom objected. “Sting *is* larger than Merry’s sword or Pippin’s or Sam’s.”

Elijah smiled. “Well, that’s all right then.”

“He nicked Haggis Cleaver,” Billy frowned. "I don't care if he is the King. He's no right te take Haggis Cleaver."

“Pippin’s sword is called Troll’s Bane, not Haggis Cleaver,” Dom corrected. “Read the book!”

“Aye, in the book,” Billy said. “But in the film, Pippin doesna kill any trolls so why would he name his sword Troll’s Bane? In the film, he names his sword Haggis Cleaver. I’m going te see if I can get that in the script; a scene where Pippin‘s names his sword. That‘d be good.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Dom said, shaking his head.

“I nearly slew you,” Billy pointed out. “Maybe I should name it, ‘Dom Slayer‘”.

“You really are a show off, you cocky bastard,” Dom grinned.

“Jealous?” Billy asked.

“Not of you. You have a very tiny sword just like I do.”

“It’s not the size of the weapon, it’s how ye wield it that counts and my sword work is legendary,” Billy grinned proudly. “You’re sword’s a tiny, wee, prick so you’re jealous.”

“Are we still discussing weapons or are you getting personal, Bills?” Dom asked.

Billy smiled innocently and shrugged.

“I still don’t understand why Bob has never mentioned me,” Sean frowned as they started out of the practice room.

“He probably talks about you all the time, just not to Viggo,” Elijah suggested.

“Has he mentioned me to you?” Sean asked.

“Well, no,” Elijah said.

“Sorry, mate,” Dom sighed.

“I don’t listen unless he’s telling me how good I am,” Billy said. “The rest of it is just rubbish.”

“I still wish I had a sword like Viggo’s,” Dom said. “Merry needs a proper sword.”

“Maybe they gave Viggo the big sword because he has a tiny willy and he needs something to make up for that,” Billy smiled.

“You’re jealous too, aren’t you?” Dom said grinning.

“A bit,” Billy nodded.

“Maybe I need to speak up more,” Sean was saying. “Maybe I’m too quiet and he doesn’t notice me.”

“What? Did you say something, Sean?” Dom asked and Billy cackled.

“He’s havin you on, windin’ ye up, Sean,” Billy laughed. “Viggo knew it would get to ye so he’s takin the Mickey.”

“You think so?” Sean asked looking hopeful.

“S’what I’d do,” Billy smiled. “Viggo’s always wanted to be more like me. He’s probably doing that to you and thinking’ 'That’s what would Billy would do!' He‘s jealous of me.”

Dom groaned.

The End

GW 01-13-2012


End file.
